Mar 27th, 2004 12:31:36 pm EST
Disturbing
Something disturbing happenned to me this week. On Tuesday night, "S" spent the night at my place. Now earlier, we had made an agreement that she was not to stay at my new place because it would break the "rules of engagement". You know, we were supposed to be fuck buddies and nothing more except good friends. She recently started working closer to where I stay and since she's still living at home decided to stay over one night to save her some time and travelling money; you know, we would try it and see what happens. There's something else: my ex is seeing another guy and she mostly tells me everything that's going on between them and I'm ok with it cus I'm not in love with her anymore even though we still love each other very much. I know, the behind the scenes is a bit long, but necessary. Anywho, last week she told me that he asked to kiss her and she laughed at him cus, hey, you don't ask to kiss a girl -- you just kiss her. On Monday she told me that they went out over the weekend and they kissed and she left a little something on his neck. I was really taken aback by this, and again, my heart got weak.

So back to Tuesday. "S" gets to my place a little after 5 that afternoon. Now during the day, in expectation of an hours-long fuckfest, I decided to swallow a little pill that has helped me before but I never got the chance to really use it. Whenever I used it with my ex, she would tell me that I was too hard and it would hurt her. But I decided to use it with "S" that day. I'm really unsure of what happenned. I had this weird feeling and I know it wasn't the pill. For the entire night all i could think of was that my ex had kissed this guy. I could not sustain an erection.

We started off with the usual: her sucking my balls and cock real good. She did it with the ice too. I enticed her to use to KY to give me a handjob too and it all felt great. We fucked for however long I could sustain it. We must've tried about five times before we went to bed later that night. I made her cum three times by rubbing her gspot and sucking on her clit. I didn't cum. When we awoke the next morning, i asked her if she wanted one more and she declined. She told me that I have some issues that i need to work out before I call her again. I'm not sure what my issues are. I know I love my ex, and I'm really ok with the fact that she's going out with another guy. I think the kissing part was a little hard to swallow. She told me that was all they did and i'm inclined to believe her.

I've stopped blogging on my "normal" blog. Today was the last one, just to say bye. Things are really weird.
10 Comments
Mood: confused

dirtyboy (March 27th, 2004) If you want my honest opinion, I think you have to stop seeing her and move on. She's seeing someone else now, and all this will just do your head in - in fact, it clearly already is. Just my opinion, mind...

lorrie_flash (March 27th, 2004) I TOTALLY agree with Dirtyboy. I couldn't have said it better.

Piper (March 27th, 2004)
I think the kissing thing has to do with intimacy. She's being really intimate with someone else and it's tough to take. It's natural. I'm pulling for you.

ourbedroom_him (March 27th, 2004) I agree with dirtyboy. You say you're not -in- love with her anymore, but there are hints here that that may not be 100% accurate. There was a time oh so long ago that I was in a similar position... had gone out with someone only to wind up afterwards as friends. I thought I was cool with that but subconsciously (and sometimes not so subconsciously) I still wanted more. Things went a lot better when she moved away...

lovemonkey (March 28th, 2004)
I've been in the same position. In fact, I'm in it right now. Only thing is that I don't get to see the girl, and she's not technically my ex. I have no right to get upset when she tells me about her lovin' with other guys. And for a long long time I thought I was totally over her (we actually cuddled for 4 years without ever doing more, though i wanted to i never had the guts to try - didn't want to risk losing the closeness etc). Anyway, long story short, though I thought I was over her, and though I wanted to be (because she was over me), I wasn't. It took me a long time to realize that "wanting to be over something/not caring about something" is different from "really being over it". Not seeing her for the past 2 years or so has made it much easier, and has cleared my head. I'm afraid that if I do see her again, it will all come flooding back, but I'll deal with that when the time comes. I still love her, and she still loves me, and we email all the time, but as you said "the kissing part was a little hard to swallow." This was more of a ramble than advice, but it's always good to know someone out there has had similar confusion/frustration.

Roxy (March 28th, 2004)
Poor guy, you need not talk to her about her *new* guy, it will only fuck with your head in the long run, I know this from past experience. For two years I did the same thing with my ex that still loved me and I him, finally one day I realized that we had to stop sharing that kind of info with each other and pretty much stop trying to be *friends* and move on. Just think about it, or wait 2 years like I did...*shrugs* it's up to you. And your penis will thank you later. *wink

DirtyTalkinGirl (April 01st, 2004)
Sigh. I agree with dirtyboy too. Tear yourself away and move on, darling.

Hey--thanks so much for adding my link to your list!xxoo

pantypulldwn (April 02nd, 2004)
it's normal to feel that way. maybe the blue pill didn't work for you because you were thinking too much of the other girl. my advice, cut the ties. it's much too personal to you to imagine her beign with someone else. you might not love her anymore, but you obviously still care about her. so you should do each other a favor and just let each other go, there's no way you can be friend and still be unbiased. you'll see. hugs and kisses to you....i hope that it all works out.if you'd like to drop me an email we can talk further about ths if you'd like. [email protected]

Chickpea981 (April 02nd, 2004)
I think everyone is in agreement that you DO still have issues with your ex and that you need to move on. She is and its hard for you to accept. You think you accept and have moved on, but your body is proving otherwise to you. You need to start cutting ties as hard as it may be.

boy (April 07th, 2004)
i think you atre still attahced, maybe not necessarily in love but there are other aspects of a close initmate relationship you still have. i dont think its right that she confides in you with her relationship either. if you want to remain friends but not intimate you should tell her that she should not inform you of her going ons in her love life. you may also want to 'feel out' why it is she is doing this as well because it isnt normal for her to be confiding in you so soon after about her life in that respects.