I guess its just gloomy Sunday. Pensive this morning. Wondered about the meaning of soulmates, passion and forever. Been in relationships that seem so good, it would never end (like this one). Then 2 worlds drift apart. Never to be the same again.
Soulmates to me is about being comfortable, being open, laughing at life, at each other. A fit so perfect, two pieces in a puzzle. The passion is so high, its electric. What happens when winter comes, and passion dies, were we soulmates or is that a temporal concept, what do you think? Were we naive to think forever did exist?
And now, how can I commit to a new relationship knowing ones that felt so right in the past had failed. Perhaps, I'm older now and wiser, but the pain persists, betrayal, lies, coldness, I gave, she took and in the end it was enough, for either of us. Both trapped, afraid and yet in our silence, we knew that one day it must end.
I was always amazed and how childish we could be, one moment loving, caring and the next attacking, defending, hurting. What if what I have will go the same way. Will I be strong enough not to judge the ones I love today by the hurt the others have inflicted in the past. So afraid to commit, to feel...some say hurting shows you're alive, you care, to me it just hurts.
And yet, I look across the room as she reads quietly by the bay window, so content, it feels so right. The turmoil inside is unbearable. The logical within dares me to try again, to fly again, to soar even though I may crash. The emotional draws a cloak of fear. Is it wisdom from the wounds or simply wounds that have not healed. She would be my healer.
I feel stupid. To question this moment in time. For she too basks in the present. She too has scars from the past. I want this moment to freeze, I could die right now and be content. But perhaps I would then miss higher levels of self, of us, I cannot yet imagine.
She looks up and smiles. She fills me like no other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. We do disagree and like others we do have quirks that annoy each other. Somehow, we recognize and respect our human foibles. Overlooking that which makes us mad with that which makes us happy. The balance. But what if that balance in the universe is disturbed.
I sometimes wish our memories could be erased like computer disks, to be filled with better things. But it can't, we can forgive but seldom will we ever forget.
She senses my unease, walks over and gives a silent generous hug. Her warmth, her smell permeates the air around me. I close my eyes and hold on. I feel better. I feel even if there were no sex in this relationship, I would be content to savour this friendship, us, no demands, no timelines, just this moment lingering...
A sigh...
Mood: melancholy
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