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More Important Than I Realized Feb 10th, 2004 2:10:12 am EST
When I’m just getting to know someone sexually, I’m a very timid lover. This annoys me about myself, but it’s never on my mind at the time. It’s always later that I realize how I’ve acted and kick myself.

I tend to be so nervous about doing the wrong thing, that I don’t do much of anything without being told. Not necessarily in words, but with indication or hints or body language. Whatever the means, I don’t tend to do something unless I’m positive that it will be well received. I “go with the flow”. Now of course, if I am comfortable with the person, I know what they like without having to be “told”. Also if I’m drunk I tend to be more brazen and bold (big shock there).

I figure this all stems back to the first guy I had sex with. He was very much “my way or the highway”. I always had to be on top. ALWAYS!!!!! If I tried to roll us so that he was on top, he’s just let me roll off, my choices where, stop there for the night, or get back on top. From that I seem to have adopted an attitude of “if he wanted something he’d let me know, until then, just follow his lead”. Not good! The possible source of my attitude just recently occurred to me.

Come to think of it. Most of the things that annoy me about myself sexually go back to my first, Trevor. Which makes sense I suppose.

With him, I got used to not touching too terribly much during sex, mainly because he would sweat so much and it was rather gross. Now I’m always rather timid about caressing and touching a lot at first.

He also made me a bit nervous in general. Made me fully aware that someone could do something to your body that you do not like. I was laying on his bed on my stomach, and the way he was laying made it so that I was kinda pinned under him, which wasn’t really a problem. Well, then with no warning what so ever, he proceeded to put his finger in my ass. It was uncomfortable and I didn’t enjoy it, so I told him so. Rather than remove the finger, he told me to give it a minute to get used to it, and pushed his finger in farther. Not good NOT good! So I freaked out and he finally took it out.

Last, but certainly not least….. oral sex! He made me scared to give head! The first time I ever gave head, he got me to stop and just use my hand after a couple of minutes (I later learned that it was because he was worried about my jaw getting sore, but at the time I thought it was because I was horrible) then, he once again, knowing how I felt about it, once again, put his finger in my ass. Yeah, I was less than impressed. I was a good girl though, after I got him hand away from my ass I finished the task at hand and just before he came he got me to switch back to using my mouth and I swallowed and all that good stuff. I was willing to give it another try though, a few weeks later. This time was worse, I’d been sucking for all of about 30 seconds, when he put his hand on the back of my head and shoved me down. As you may have guessed, I gagged, there was coughing, it wasn’t pretty. As an end result, I’ve since been rather leery about giving oral sex. Mostly because I worry about doing something horribly wrong. This annoys me, because while part of me (the part that makes me chicken out at the last minute) is scared of giving head, the rest of me really wants to do it. I did it once while drunk since then, and I loved it.

Ok, this was not the topic I had in mind when I started this post, and I can’t for the life of me remember what the post was supposed to be about. It seems, however, to have turned into a post about the damage that can be done to one mentally based on a bad first sexual partner.

In fact, with Trevor the sex was BORING and felt more or less like nothing. I though that sex was massively overrated, and that part of the problem was most likely me. I assumed I was one of those people who just doesn’t enjoy sex. I figured it must be “good sex” because Trevor always got off and had a good time. So it must be me. I know better now though, he was just bad. Hell, I’ve had phone sex that was better than live sex with Trevor, but that’s a whole nother post for later haha.

I guess that if I’d known how much my first sex partner was going to influence my future sex life, I would have been a little more selective.
7 Comments
Mood: tired

-her (February 10th, 2004)
It is amazing how much your sexual experiences shape your feelings about sex isn't it? The first experience I had with a guy giving me oral sex, I remember he stopped and said that I "smelled quite strong" or something like that. That was the last time I ever let someone do that until my husband, years and years later. Thank heavens my husband spent an inordinate amount of time telling me how great it was and how much he loved it, because I was missing out big time! That's how being with the right partner really helps I guess - you feel free to let go and experiment.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being timid while you are getting to know someone - it allows you to really listen to their body language and learn about them. As long as you are enjoying yourself as well, that's what counts....Lots of time for taking control later right?

lovemonkey (February 10th, 2004)
Wow, that is NO fun.
Let me say that I think most guys would just appreciate that you are giving them head, and that the only wrong way to do it involves cutting 'him' with your teeth, and that's hard to do unintentionally. As long as you don't do that, I'm sure he'll love it Loving should always be fun, and playful. Okay, maybe your first wasn't, but that's no reason to stop trying. I mean, if you have a hamburger at 1 restaurant and hate it, that doesn't mean the next place along the way will also have yucky hamburgers, right? In fact, most of the time they'll probably be really tasty. Also, don't be worried to demand a little attention, or to demand that things go a little slower. My last girlfriend wasn't ready to have sex until we'd been dating (hardcore dating) and sleeping together for a year. A YEAR! I waited, and it drove me nuts sometimes, but she wouldn't have enjoyed it before that point. When she was finally ready, it was really great and we humped like junglicious lovemonkeys

ourbedroom_him (February 10th, 2004) I've always wondered if there was a large cave somewhere, full of creeps. Everytime a woman was ready to have sex for the first time, one of these idiots gets released and sent to see her. Then of course, you spend a great portion of the rest of your life, un-learning all the horrible untruths put into your sub-conscious and not-so-sub-conscious, put there by the loser. I'd offer a slightly different view from [her]. I'd say that if you want, you go ahead and do whatever you want, however you like. If it bothers oyu a little that your timid, you can force yourself a little to just go full-on (sot to speak) and if he's the right sort of guy, you'll be rewarded wonderfully. If his reactions make you feel less than special, you'll have your first clue that he's not for you.

Serenity (February 10th, 2004)
NEVER be afraid to speak up and say that you don't like something...if your lover is considerate and cares for you, they will understand...if they don't then find someone else. That being said, never be afraid to experiment and try new things ~ its difficult when your with a new person, but I have found the honest, out in the open type of questions works better than "winging it". By the time I am going to be with, I not only know the things that entices them and turns them on I also know the things that they find disgusting and they damn sure know what I do and don't like. That is half the fun, the build up ~ anticipation...basically word fuck them first. Course, even if its a straight up vanilla sex relationship, you can always have a safe word.

logical (February 11th, 2004) I just want to say thank you for posting something so personal and central to you. You may have got off onto a tangent, but I think it was a good one that really resonates. This really should be part of the second talk one should have with their children about sex but no one seems to. It really does matter how selfish someone can be in bed and how it can really affect someone else. Thanks again for the post -- keep em coming!

ichthy (February 14th, 2004) that's a good point, logical, one i'll definitely consider carefully when it comes that time with my kids. it is amazing the things people can have us convinced of until we have reason to know better giving head is such a confusing phenomenon. i have always had difficulty getting people off that way. except for the one time it worked on my first, i thought i couldn't actually do it. but then i went down on my most trusted friend, a guy who's been with lots of girls and had lots of experiences, and i got him off quickly and he thought i was just superb at it. was it an anomaly? why do i have such trouble with others? in any case, thank you for sharing those thoughts - it's good to know we are not alone in our neuroses

L (February 15th, 2004)
I can relate to your first experience, mine was quite bad. I decided to give away my virginity at 17 to a jerk who flirted with me. I did it more out of curiosity about sex than any feelings. He tried and tried to get inside me but it hurt and I would flinch and move away. He wasn't the least bit interested in being reassuring or gentle. Finally, I got on top and he was able to get off. And what were his loving words to me when he finished? "Get off." So I got off of him and went into the livingroom to sleep on the couch because for some reason I thought staying the night was the thing one did when you gave up your virginity. The next morning he said, "you need to go home so I can have breakfast and go to work". Would it have killed him to give me a donut or something? Bastard. Dumbest thing I've ever done.

Believe me, if you make a conscious effort, eventually you'll be comfortable asking for what you want and taking more initiative during sex. Some men may not respond to it, other's will love you for it. Stick with the latter kind.