Van Helsing sucks. That's right. It flat-out sucked. It sucked so bad, that I walked out 45 minutes into the movie. But, that 45 minutes seemed like fucking forever. For those of you that haven't seen it yet, let me save you some trouble...

For some unknown reason, Dr. Frankenstein is working for Dracula. Dracula pays Igor to fuck Frankenstein over. Dracula kills Dr. Frankenstein. Castle Frankenstein blows up. Cut to 1 year later. Van Helsing fights a computer-generated monster for what seems like a fucking eternity. Van Helsing throws the monster from a building finally. The townspeople freak out. Van Helsing goes to Vatican City. The townspeople freak out. MORE computer-generated monsters (which I believe were some of Master Shake's "Reverse Vampires", since it was fucking daylight) attack the town. Van Helsing fires like 300 crossbow shots at the reverse vampires, missing every fucking time because he's a lousy shot. CG Reverse Vampires pick up townspeople and drop them for no obvious reason except to over-inflate the already overused CGI budget. CG Reverse Vampire grabs hot vampire hunter wanna-be chick and takes her inside.

Once inside, the CG reverse vampire does a "Sims" spin, and magically turns from a eunuch CGI beast to a fully clothed human-looking female with cat eyes. Outside, Van Helsing runs from a CG reverse vampire because he's a fucking pussy. Helsing dips his crossbow into a nearby fountain which just happens to be a supply of holy water. Helsing finally learns to shoot the reverse vampire. The reverse vampires inside freak out. I walk out on the movie wondering why anybody would waste their money watching this piece of shit. THE END. I just saved you 9 bucks on a movie ticket, 5 bucks on a bootleg VCD, or 25 bucks on a DVD. You can thank me later.

In case you didn't hear me earlier, Van Helsing is a pussy. It seems like it is a trend to make vampire hunters pussies lately. Thankfully, there are still bad-ass vampire hunters out there somewhere. I believe one of them is out right now collecting a contract on Mr. Van Helsing...


Simon Belmont would ruin Van Helsing's shit.

Also, while I'm on the subject, Dracula was a fucking pussy in this movie too. As a matter of fact, I'd say he makes Dracula from Castlevania 64 look straight, and that's a fucking accomplishment. You be the judge:


GAY

Compared to Helsing's Dracula: Straight.

Strangely enough, he made a better Dracula than both of them.

What have we learned? Van Helsing was another cinematic fuck-up. Those who haven't learned that by now will probably never learn. But hey, I'll try to play nice. If you actually enjoyed Van Helsing, you may enjoy this too.

I probably wouldn't have even typed this post, but I needed something to keep me busy. It's 3:30 AM, I just slammed a whole pot of coffee, and I'm working on a second to keep me awake long enough to get some work done. SexyMagick, if you're reading this, you have your answer. Van Helsing is not worth watching. I try to protect my loved ones from things that may be harmful to them, and I love you too much to let you sit through the two-and-a-half hour abomination that is called Van Helsing. It looks like I got on too late to catch you tonight, because I decided to watch that piece of trash like an idiot. Please don't make the same mistake I did. If you're still awake, feel free to get in touch with me. Just buzz me on IM or something, because my phone is broken. Everybody else, goodnight, and it's back to work for me.

Later,
-Honkey Kong
Mood: Van Helsing Sucks
2 Comments

This post is coming a little earlier than I planned, but I needed somewhere that I could vent on just how awesome this thing sounds:


MAX Drive Pro!

Apparently, the main part of this little gadget is a standard 64 Megabit Memory card for the Gamecube with a USB adapter. I already have one of these, so that's not what I'm excited about. The thing I'm most exited about is the boot disc that comes with it. The boot disc contains software that can be used to bootstrap the memory card and run user-written executables. For game developers such as myself, this is an indispensible accessory. What this means is that I can ditch my overly complicated gamecube development/testing setup for something much simpler.

Before this, independent Gamecube developers had to have had to have a Nintendo Broadband adapter, a copy of Phantasy Star Online, a PC DNS Server, and a crossover cable/router/hub/switch setup just to test unlicensed code on a gamecube. As you can imagine, and as those that have done this know, it's a royal pain in the ass to do all that crap just to test your latest build. With the MAX Drive Pro, all you need to do is transfer your executable into the memory card through a USB cable, plug the card into your gamecube, and insert their special boot disc. The only thing you need a Broadband adapter for is if you have external data files over 8MB in size. It's suddenly turned gamecube testing from a royal bitch into an indie developer's dream come true!

So, having said that, the only thing I have left to do is ask if anybody's tried one of these yet. It looks amazing, and at $40, it's something that anybody can afford. I'm going to buy one ASAP, but I'd like to know about other users' experiences beforehand. If anybody has any comments, there's a form below you can fill out.

Later,
-Honkey Kong
Mood: VERY VERY GEEKY
0 Comments

Long time no see, everyone. Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but I've plain and simply been too damn busy. As you all know, I spent a week out in the sticks, with nothing but 26.4kbps dial-up, so that's my exxcuse for not posting then. When I got home, however, the shit hit the fan. I got a new desk to set up my computer on, and to keep myself from being distracted, I decided not to turn on my computer until I got the desk put together. Well, it only took me about an hour to get the desk put together.

Unfortunately, when I finally did get it put together, I turned on my computer and it didn't want to boot at all. Turns out, my fucking video card finally blew up. It had been getting pretty bad for a while, but I'm too lazy to replace something until it's completely dead. My old card was a Visiontek GeForce4 Ti4200 w/128MB DDR. Naturally, I had to get something a little better than that if I was going to justify shelling out for a brand new card. So, I ended up purchasing a shiny new BFG Asylum GeForceFX 5200 w/256MB DDR. An FX5200 isn't really the fastest card out there, but the price was right on this one. For $130, I got a card with a lifetime warranty, and it came overclocked out of the box, so if this one burns up, I can blame them for overclocking it, and not myself. After finally getting it installed and running, I can say that it is a definite improvement over my old GF4 with both gaming and development.

Also, as anybody who buys a new video card knows, you can never get away with buying just the card. You have to get some new games to test it out with too. The games of choice for the card were "Duke Nukem: Manhattan Project", and "True Crime: Streets of LA". Duke runs flawlessly at 1280x960 with 32-bit color, and I'm addicted to that one. True Crime is another story. Because of overly paranoid developers, I actually had to completely disable all my virtual drives (Nero, CloneCD, Alcohol 120%, Daemon Tools), before I could even run the executable, and when I did finally get the EXE to run, it wouldn't let me play the game because I was running the disc from a CD-RW drive. That's fucking stupid. You'd think it would be able to tell the difference from a bootleg disc and a legit disc by checking the bad sectors or whatever they use now, but NOOOOOOOOOO. They don't even alow you to play with the disc in a fucking burner. Excuse me for having a fucking broken DVD drive. I'll be sure to plunk down more cash to replace that just so you don't think I'm a thief, fuckhead. Needless to say, I had to wait A FUCKING WEEK for somebody to release a No-CD crack before I could even play MY FUCKING GAME. Normally, I wouldn't say things like this, but if game developers keep treating their customers like thieves with lame copy-protection schemes that won't even let you play from a CD-RW drive, I'm just going to start downloading cracked game ISOs instead of buying them. I suggest you all to do the same too. It's the only way they're going to learn. That being said, True Crime's prety sweet. I'd probably say a whole shitload of good things about it if SafeDisc 3 hadn't ruined it for me, so I'll just say this: If you buy it, just install the game, use the crack, and put the CDs away. You won't need them anymore. Also, be warned, because the game takes up 3.2GB of space on your HD. It's not as big as UT2004, but still puts a nice dent in your drive space it you're dual-booting lke me (20GB Windows/100GB Linux).

I can't think of much else to say right now, but I'm sure I will later tonight, so keep your eyes open, everyone.

Later,
-Honkey Kong
Mood: irritated
5 Comments

Hello, everybody. I'm still stuck out in the sticks, and as such, I'm still on dial-up. So, since there's a lack of broadband access, I've been doing a lot of non-computer-related things, like playing with a video camera. Me and a friend (who wishes to remain anonymous) have been making funny videos, and even though I had a funny attempt when I lit myself on fire, his clip was the best. So, here it is. Click here to download the video and laugh your ass off. If you want to see more of our funny videos, leave a comment below, and I'll make a CD so I can upload them when I get home. until then, talk to you all later!

-Honkey Kong
Mood: laughing my ass off
2 Comments

This week, I decided to start my weekend a little early. So, I took a trip out of town to go visit a good friend that I haven't seen in a while. Since I didn't have to worry about working or anything else, we decided that we should do what we used to do back in the day: 12-ounce curls and video games. The problem is this: video games today suck ass. I've ranted about this before, and as you all know, a Playstation 2 was not going to hold my attention the whole weekend. So, we did what every good gamer should do: we dug through the closet, and WE HAD A NINTENDO PARTY! Also, since we had nothing better to do than play Nintendo, we decided to take some pictures of our alcohol-enhanced trip down memory lane. The picture quality is crap because I had to resize all the pictures, but it's still full of creamy Nintendo goodness...












I'd love to sit and talk about it some more, but Kid Icarus is calling me again and it's time for the Eggplant Wizard to get his shit ruined.

Peace out
-Honkey Kong
Mood: nostalgic
2 Comments