Summer day Jun 30th, 2004 7:24 pm EST
The wind blows lazily through the apartment, channelling though the open windows. Outside there the distant sound of children playing on the neighbourhood basketball court, punctuated by the caw caw of crows and the light airy chirping of unknown other birds.

I feel the breeze running past my exposed, hard nipples, savouring the cool ripples of pleasure washing over me. I can feel my pussy throb and pulse and cry at me, desperately wanting to be fingered...desparately needing that warm, firm pressure of two fingers teasing that excitingly squishy first 5cm of my pussy...desparently needing to feel the heel of my palm pressing into my clit...

Tonight...tonight...I'll wait, I'll savour this for hours...and tonight I'll let it out.
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Alone But Not Jun 28th, 2004 2:12 pm EST
I got up to some good stuff this weekend, but my early mornings didn't jive much with the Kid's later nights and sleep ins...

Friday he went out with his friend Terrier, I opted to stay home and go to sleep early. As soon as they left, I got naked and finished tiding up and getting ready for the next day. This is very, very simple, foolproof foreplay for me. I love being naked, but more importantly I love feeling light sensations, like cool breezes from fans and windows, on my skin - especially my breasts, tummy, and bum.

By and by, I finished up and moved to the bedroom, lightly fingering myself, bumping my clit back and forth between two fingers. I retrieved the slightly over-the-top, 18"x2", purple jelly double ended dildo, pink hard g-spot vibrator, and pink hair clips for my nipples. I clipped the hair clips onto my nipples, biting them deep down onto the aereola...I savoured the delicious pain and warm tingling. Laying down on my side I retrieved some thick lube and started massaging it onto my asshole.

I spent some time fingering my bum, working up to three fingers in slowly, millimetre my millimetre. I like teasing and tickling myself slowly that way...it feels really really good.

I paused to lube up one end of the dildo and to de-slipify my hand, then started to slowly put the dildo in my ass. I took it nice and slow - that thing is big but it feels SO good. With my other hand I grabbed the gspot vibe and pushed it onto my clit, tickling and teasing my clit and the surrounding area.

I fucked myself that way for almost 10 minutes, slowly pounding the dildo in and out of my bum, teasing my clit and occasionally my gspot. I closed my eyes and slipped into my own world - savouring the sensations I was feeling, focusing on different places and how they felt...ah mmmmmmm I'm getting worked up remembering how my nipples felt, straining to harden against the warm hug of the sharp clip teeth...

Somewhere along the line I slipped into my favourite fantasy these days - the naughty student in the principals office. I was totally ready to go before that popped into my mind, but it really started to send me to the moon. As I approached orgasm, strangely enough, my fantasy smoothly transitioned to fucking the Kid, seeing him watch me intently as I announced "Oh fuck me I'm cumming!". I fucked myself a little bit harder and centred the tip of the vibrators curve on the underside of my clit, and I started to come - hard. I made really some funny noises and then suddenly let out a low moan and screamed "Oh fuck me!" surprisingly loud. It lasted a good 30 seconds, I felt like my sinuses were buzzing afterwards.

I was spent, I did a quick clean up and passed out. The Kid tells me I was sleeping like a log when he came home. The next morning, I left a note for a kid, describing my solo adventure before I took off for the whole day.

Although he ate me to an orgasm like a brilliant champion last night (lots of sucking and nibbling) and we fucked for to two more little ones, I was too exhausted and he was too drunk to finish...so he's sufficiently ready to fully jump my bones tonight. Yay!
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Taking Stock Part 2 Jun 24th, 2004 7:10 pm EST
Right

Been thinking about this a fair bit, taking stock, evaluating..."What does it all mean?"

The lesson learned from my cheating and subsequent exploration was a solidified sense of sex and intimacy/love being not necessarily tied together. In retrospect I now identify the excitement that I got out of it being the excitement of exploring new partners - volumes closer to "stranger sex" than sex with the Kid. Forbidden and mysterious, exciting and new...and lack lustre after the novelty wore off.

Blah

Since starting to voice my desires I have learned a lot. As I mentioned in the last post, the Kid managed to pull my latent bisexuality out of me, as well as my interest in group scenarios. While I have explored and confirmed the former (although I currently peg myself as only a 1 on the Kinsey Scale), I have not yet explored the latter

Well that's not true...I've paid a lot of lip service to it, and I'm actually fairly sure I would have *ahem* explored by now had the appropriate situation come up...The kid has confessed similar interests to me, but he's much shier and needs to take it all in much more slowly. As I said before, he is inherently monogamous, partially due to his Roman Catholic upbringing (as he himself pointed out to me yesterday). Sigh.

And we find ourselves in a confusing wilderness...

It's almost fun to think about what forms our relationship may take. We have had a few dates as a couple - and boy is that ever educational and fun. I still smile when I think back to this date we had over milkshakes with a very sexy, slightly older woman. There we were, checking her out and checking each other check her out....follow me? Very fun. When we said goodbye she kissed me on the cheek (admittedly mostly due to MY bashfulness) and kissed the Kid on the lips - and for the rest of the night he was grinning like a goof and shaking his head. It was one of the cutest things I've seen him do.

I like that - being exposed to new things about the Kid. I never really knew some of the things he found attractive in women till we started comparing notes. Funny hey? I loved seeing that side of him - the giddy little boy with a playground crush side.

The idea of exploring group sexual setting with the Kid is terribly arousing and intriguing. But then again, so is the idea of letting him go out and explore on his own in a position where I can appreciate and observe the new sides of him that are revealed.

Ah the confusion. Guess that's all part of being young.

OK and now for something completely different. I've been trying to push this out of my head for the past few weeks but it keeps popping back in. A few weeks back I had an erotic dream that involved being pissed on. Well, at least I think it was an erotic dream - all I really recall is being pissed on in the dream (by the Kid) and waking up with a start - moisture between my thighs, breath heavy and fast, heart beating, with a wet spot on the bed. And no, incontinence was not to blame.

I never remember my dreams, and when I do I never remember such vivid images.

I told the Kid about this the next day. And then again a few days later, thinking I hadn't mentioned it yet. He's such a wonderful guy - he looked at me, with soft, caring eyes, and asked, very gently, if I enjoyed it, and how it made me feel.

I couldn't answer that

And you know what? A few weeks later I still can't.

I don't know if this dream and my physical response to it is an indication that water-sports may be up my alley (Freud would have a field day), but frankly, I think I lack the maturity to embrace it even if it is. I think I have mental barriers that would prevent me from enjoying it if it were my bag. This is my evaluation based on two weeks of trying not to think that I might be into water-sports. So file that sucker away under "To explore in 5 to 10 years - kinks for my late 20's early 30's"

Haha if only it were so simple to dictate one's sexual evolution.

And for my second topic change... Perhaps this is best saved for its own post, but in the past few months I have started a passionate love affair with pain - I like being spanked...HARD, I like having my nipples bit...HARD, I like having my hair pulled...HARD. I recognize in my sexuality a number of submissive traits.

I also recognize a number of dominant traits. I like having the kid tied up and having my way with him...what's not to like? Its just plain fun.

When I played with A (the girl from my "Girl Play" entry), she asked me if I thought of myself as more dommy or subby. At the time, all I could do was shrug and get back to the pussy eating at hand - but she continued to say to me that she saw traits of both in me - I guess it was my desire to please endlessly; also my aggressiveness and assertiveness.

Interesting at any rate. Much to explore there, I think. File that one away under "actively exploring". I have more I could say, but I'll save that for another day.

Last topic change - I love being looked at naked. This I now know about myself. Yes I still have that small voice inside my head that thinks my thighs or whatever are fat (well...they are a bit) but at the same time I only ever think that stuff when I look at parts in isolation...when I look in a mirror, that voice shuts up and/or disappears because although my thighs still look the same - they match the rest of me. And I like the way I look when I like the way I look (follow me? Its that whole you look better when you feel better thing). I love being naked, lounging around naked, sleeping naked. To that end I also like the raw exposure of writing a sex blog. Its a different kind of naked.

Call me an exhibitionist - I already call myself one.

So there you have it - I have figured out very little of what makes me tick, and I have acknowledged a number of new possibilities.

We find ourselves in a confusing wilderness...
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Taking Stock and Learning From My Mistakes - What is it That Makes Me Tick? Jun 24th, 2004 1:44 am EST
This might be a bit of an unusual post for me...

Been thinking a lot lately about what makes me tick. Obviously this has included things that rev up my sexual engines, but has been something I've been thinking about in a lot of different areas in my life. I'm still pretty young after all and my attitudes have changed quite a bit recently to a more laid back and enjoy what life has to offer attitude.

I started this blog in some serious confusion back in January 2004. Just writing out what I was up to helped me sort it out somehow - it's pretty had to lie to yourself when you're writing a journal entry, even if its a public sex blog. I never really wrote too much on what was happening on the negative emotional side of things - I suppose I know that people like reading blogs with ups and downs - but that's not me. This year, these past six months have been fairly dramatic. If I were really pouring it out here there'd be so much whining. Just ask my girlfriends. Ick.

When I was cheating, I managed to pretend away all the guilt, all the remorse, all the anger with myself. It was still there - this ball of filth in the pit of my stomach, preventing me from eating and sleeping, making me throw up and giving me headaches. I had so much fear and regret...I still don't know why I didn't tell him right away. He knew, he always knows. He knows me so well - he can read me like a book. I still remember the day he confronted me, asked me if I'd cheated. The weeks afterwards were some of the hardest ever.

When I reread my entries about the giant and Mr. B, I am now struck with the vacuousness of it all - all flash, no substance. It was exciting at the time - perhaps it was the secrecy that was really revving my engine. When I think about how selfish I was being, how little of the Kid's feelings I was taking into account - it makes me cry every time.

First loves, first relationships, first sexual partners...

These are not valid excuses to see if the grass is greener.

And now...now...it amazing the communication that has fallen out of this. For a while, a few months back, I was fixated on the idea that it was a shame I hadn't learned how to voice my desires, to tell the Kid I was wondering about the grass being greener. I now know we would have worked together towards a solution. That said, I somehow don't think we would have become this open - I actually doubt that we could be where we are now unless we had gone through this 'journey' down the harder road.

In the fallout, in the weeks that followed, in the events that transpired, he struck back at me. We struggled - it was difficult, in not impossible at times. I was already a "villain" to him, and at times I let myself believe he wanted to become the same to me. I wrote about the incident he had with his friend Terrier and that girl Swallow...that was a stumble. A month later, another stumble. A few weeks later, yet again. Tears, pain, suffering.

But ALWAYS

ALWAYS

Love

We've been improving steadily since the day he outted my lie, the day he found the Red Sneaker Diary (he knew me well enough to know that I was likely writing a sex blog...) Our dynamic is different, it has changed. I like it more. Making me talk about this has forced me to become volumes more communicative about my wants and desires. I can't believe I never opened up about the fantasies I had...

I remember the first day he asked me about the erotic stories I enjoy reading. We dated for five years and I never managed to admit up to the fact that I played with myself whilst reading erotic stories. He found old links I'd clicked - observed that most of the stories I read involved bisexuality and group activities...

Its so messed up how little I know about what makes me tick, even when its smacking me in the face like that.

So now, where the Kid and I are is undefinable. He still wonders about, wants, and I daresay needs to confirm for himself that the grass is not greener on the other side. We're not, nor are we ever going to be, swingers. Well at least not that I can predict. We've paid a lot of lip service to relationship options including being open and being polyamourous...

But right now that's not us either...the Kid is inherently monogamous.

So, interestingly enough, this girl who'd always struck his interest, and who he developed a friendship wrought with sexual tension during our breakup, has reappeared in the picture. The emotions I feel are interesting - I know he'll do nothing without talking about it with me first, and it doesn't sound like much of a possibility either. But I still feel funny things. Jealousy prickles at me a bit. Excitement for him...confuses me a bit.

Interesting. So anyways, I had planned a different route for this post. Egad. Although I did talk about what makes me tick a bit.

The thing that currently excites me the most about all the things I have embraced that make me tick is the idea of dating WITH the Kid. Exploring different sexual partners together, participating...maybe....watching...maybe...

Anyways, I'll revisit this some other time. the kid is home and I'm not going to proofread.


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