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Personal Web Log
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All Work....... Jun 18th, 2004 4:29:32 pm EST I have not been posting for a while, due to work and the lack of naughty things that i have been up too. C and i have adopted gruelling schedules that only have conceding sleep. SO i am not dead nor abandoned my indecent blog, only on a naughty sex hiatus, sucks, typing that makes me want to weep-  oh well, i have many other things to keep me occupied, including small child just about on his summer vacation! Thank goodness and all that is holy for summer camps!At any rate, i am off but will leave a sample of a gruelling poem i wrote after reading a very old diary of mine. Duplicity How much I hate would surprise you As i gouge out your eyes Slice your skin Hit you hard over and over again. Welts and bruises Rising to my command I would force you down Until you can no longer stand Letting you see all the hate But you know nothing of this For I smile at you-sweetly Inviting you in... (0) Comments Mood: working and tired. Back and Nasty Jun 14th, 2004 9:54:40 am EST Sadly, adventure weekend did not happen for me. Unable to obtain a dog sitter, small child and i stayed home while C went. Not that i am sad about that, a good time was had by all. i took a weekend of leisure. Small child and i attended his fun fair, Harry Potter 3, watched some movies and visited with friends. I read about 4 books and only wrote a bit this weekend. I know i know, get to it. I have started to toy with a poem about the polish Calvary during WW2. Its getting there. The stories that my Grandfather relays to me, more and more of them now that he is older and perhaps he is not immortal after all. They are coming together in my head and i am trying to write them except my stupid fingers are slow, or life gets in the way. I would like to have something to show him eventually. Of course they will not be exactly his stories anymore. But mine and his and the spirits of the dead of whom he speaks. Holy smokes, what a morbid thing i am. LOL C and i have had no inclination to fool around. My sexual drive had plummeted. I remember the days when i could not wait, and C and i would fight for his sexual drive was less than mine. Now i am not so very concerned. On the weekend i learned that small child's father has been divorced and having all sorts of bad luck. I am positively gleeful about it, i should not be, rejoicing in some else's misfortune, in his misery. But i am. I went from loving him, to loathing him, to indifference, then i began to forget about him, the details that make people loom vivid in your head. That is gone. Now i am only glad that he is suffering and alone, hurting and scared. No one else in the world have i ever felt like this about. But he hurt my child. This proves to me that love and hate take a long time in dying. I believe strongly that in life your good deeds return to you as your bad deeds do, Well B, i never went out of my way to do anything bad in retaliation, i see that life, life retailed for me and most importantly my small child, whom, even then when i was a kid, i knew you did not deserve. Small of me to love your pain. But i do. By the way HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BEST FIEND! I know you are reading this blog! (2) Comments Mood: pleased Lunch With The Cronies. Jun 10th, 2004 4:35:37 pm EST Today was the lunch with some of my powerful female friends, after the meal and commiseration, i rushed of to my authors group. When i arrived i realized that I had nothing to read but a poem i wrote this morning. ACK! At any rate, i read it, and for your collective groans i will even share it here! LOL Waiting, Face facing the sun. The hand of fate, cruel and unfeeling, Sweaty and petty Plucks me from my mothers breast Tears me from my roots Shaking the earth and lifeblood from my feet from my veins. My limbs White Milk pale Slivers of silk sacrificed For he loves me For he loves me not. And my beauty shredded Alabaster confetti across the pavement The asphalt i dared defy With my green stem My white legs and arms, antenna My yellow eye. Confetti fluttering across the stones In the breeze For he loves me, he loves me not And my eye The yellow eye of mine Unblinking Naked Lies Gaping at the sky and the sun as the wind blows the sun bakes me back in to the earth, back in to dirt. I wrote this poem this morning after pulling a daisy up by its roots. Cruelly sentimental thing am i not? I will not likely be posting for the next few days as we are off for a little adventure! Yay! (1) Comments Mood: nerdy The Thick Days of June Jun 9th, 2004 8:20:48 am EST C arrived home early from work, puttering about as small child and his playmates ripped around in the house. It was far to humid and hot for them outside, so with the AC cranked, out house was an oasis of cool. (The Popsicles helped!)After awhile all the children went of to a soccer match and C and i had some time alone. I felt Rather awkward at first, admittedly i am still angry about Saturday fight. Eventually i mellowed out as he made me hamburgers from a recipe he found called the worlds best hamburgers. The dog loved them! Later we managed to hold each other and snuggled and make out, i admit reluctantly we had sex. It was the first time in weeks. I can not seem to surmount my discomfort and loathing of the weight i have added. I am the only person I know that going to gym regularly managed to gain weight of the flab kind. i even watch my diet I have bumped up my cardio again, but with the injury to my knee, running an hour a day or using the cross trainer is not viable. The bike is even worse on it, now i have even developed difficulties walking up and down the thousand stairs this place has.....here i go complaining again. but on the bright side i lost a pound last week-and that means i only have 16 more to go to be where i was in my weight loss last year.......grrrrrrr. I can look at a large woman and say she is beautiful, and yet as a reasonable intelligent woman, i can not believe that i am beautiful. As C touched my body, i was filled with revulsion: How dare he touch me? i spend so much time now trying to ignore this body i hate, anyone caressing me and reminding me that it exists, anyone who dares treat this ugly part of me with kindness, So i made the right noises and prayed that he would finish quickly. Not receiving anything out of the encounter. Not even a feeling of closeness. Oh well, i am off to the gym again, aiming to get in 5 or 6 times this week instead of my usual 4. (2) Comments Mood: cranky Monday Monday-What a Monday.... Jun 7th, 2004 2:39:41 pm EST C stopped by this morning before work,he retrieved his work shoes and a snack from the fridge. His tee shirt was wrinkled and i noticed just how prominent the grey is in his hair and how the lines are deeper than ever. My heart squeezed a little when i saw how wan he appeared. I did not mutter any words of reconciliation, i said hello and bustled about my routine with the dog watching mournfully, even the hamster wiggled out of his pod to see the voice he associates with good treats. At any rate, we did caress a bit and give each other a small hug before he left. I am not sure what the future holds for us as an US. We have, over the years parted ways, living separately, seeing other people. We always come back to each other, is it comfort, yes, and he makes me laugh, simply. No one in my life ever made me laugh as much as C. No one ever so devoted, consistent. He is flawed, we all are, i am not with out my serous neurosis. Oh well, it will work out or not. I have been writing, Just little things, perhaps i should post things that i am writing here- the fiction/poetry , then i could open myself up for all your slings and arrows-LOL what do you say? should i or should i not? email or post a comment! email:[email protected] (0) Comments Mood: contemplative |
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